Salty smiles

It took the alarm longer than usual to break through the barrier of sleep that held me, but finally it registered in my brain and I reached over to quell the steady and insistanct "beepbeepbeep" that told me it was time to wake up. Even as my hand moved to silence the alarm the thought hit me like a ton of bricks; "he won't be here when you go to sleep tonight." Pain, tears, and a sense of deep desperation rushed up with the thought as my heart began to race with near-panic.

"Shhhh, child, it's alright. Hush. Everything is in My hand, remember?" I heard the voice almost as clearly as I heard Stephen's sweet breathing in that moment before he awoke, and slowly my heart rate, and my chaotic emotions, began to calm. I stared at the sleeping form in front of me as I sat beside him and just took in the sight, making one of a million memories that cover the last two months. Then, reluctantly, I sighed and gently shook him awake.

"Sweetheart, it's time to get up. We have to get ready to go or you'll miss your flight." He groaned as he fought to wake up and, seemingly, tried to halt time at the same instant, not succeeding very well in either endevor. As he moved about the house in a fog I ran around the house putting his last few miscellaneous items in one of his bags, making sure he had food for the flight, and finishing up my customary "I love you, I miss you already, I had a wonderful time" letter to slip into his carry on. An hour and a half later we were out the door and on the road, and as my mother drove us ever-closer to the airport he and I snuggled close together and took one, last catnap in each others' arms before being out of physical reach for another undetermined amount of time.

Soon we were standing at the point of separation--the security gates in Seattle-Tacoma International Airport--holding each other close and carrying on a quiet conversation about being together again soon and how much we loved each other and what a wonderful blessing this time together had been. Then the goodbyes began, first to the rest of the family and then to me. He held me close and tenderly kissed my lips, my cheek, my forehead. He gently wiped away the tears that flowed down my cheeks despite my best effort to contain them, and he smiled that disarming, shining, beautiful smile that simply lights up his entire face and sets his eyes to dancing. "I love you," he said, "and I'll see you again soon."

Moments later he was on the other side of the security gates, and after a few more waves, blown kisses, and ASL "I love you"s he was gone. Again. It was one of the most difficult battles of my life to let the smile deep down inside show through the sorrow trying to take control of my face, but in the end the peace and joy won over and the smile broke forth even as my eyes continued to "leak".

Now I sit here, waiting and wondering when "soon" will be. As far away as he is right now, it still isn't "real" yet that he's not here anymore. I walked into my bedroom when we returned from the airport trying to let it all sink in, and I saw his hat and boots and books and other small things that he left here in my care, and it's like so much of him stayed behind this time...so much more than ever before. I keep expecting him to walk back in the door after being out on a walk or in the backyard taking out excess energy on the woodpile. Then I walk around and he isn't just around the corner or out in the yard, or I open my eyes and he isn't standing beside me reaching for my hand. And it is then, then that the tears try to flow over again and I choke back a sob.

God has blessed me with my soul mate, and has brought him into my life far earlier than I ever could have expected. Truly I am blessed among women, even though nearly three thousand miles lie between my other half and myself. Daddy God, continue to bless my beloved and whisper love and grace into his heart and life. Pour into him and shine through him, spilling Your light into this world through his loving heart. Lift him up above the miry ground that would pull him down and surround him with Your angels. Give him strength, wisdom, and determination for everything coming up in the next few days, weeks, months. Hold him close, and rock him in Your arms every night as he drifts off into sweet, peaceful sleep. Thank You, Daddy God, for all the love and joy You've given me in my Stephen, and thank You for the plans You have for us. I love You!

In Jesus' name, Amen.