Are you ever in a place where you feel like something deep inside of you is calling out for help, but not getting an answer? Have you ever felt like you're slipping away...or even that just a part of you is, even though you can't seem to pinpoint what, exactly? I'm in a place right now where I'm feeling incredibly beaten down, and I'm looking around at my life going "whoa...when did all of this happen?"
The thing is, I love where my life is now and where it's going in the near future. I couldn't be happier. However, I feel like I'm missing something, right now, at this very moment--and I'll be darned if I know what it is. Maybe my emotions are just getting the better of me (tends to happen to me when I haven't been sleeping). Maybe high school graduation--and college graduation, this Friday--are just now really sinking in. Maybe the only thing that's missing is that I haven't really taken time to stop and look at this transition point in my life because I've been too busy trying to plan for "the next thing". I've got to find a full time job, I've got to plan for this or that, I've got to figure out the wedding stuff, I've got to spend more time with my family, and on and on the list goes.
Or maybe the problem is just that I feel like I've lost track of where I was with God. He opened my eyes to His amazing love, power, and glory, and I saw myself almost literally on fire for Christ. I felt connected, and right now I don't. I've been slowly climbing back into regularly reading His Word, and slowly climbing back out of that place in faith called "comfortable". I don't like it there. I'm comfortable in God's arms, but I did the one thing I never wanted to do again with my life as a Christian...I let it settle into a "routine".
But what is feeling connected, really? Why is it so important? I KNOW I'm connected, that I'm plugged into God...why should I be wasting my time seeking that "feeling" when I could be focusing on praising, pleasing, and growing in Him?
Even as I write something crumbles inside of me, a wall falling away before the great and mighty power of Light. Tears threaten to flood over and out of my eyes, falling in sweet release. God, that's it...I've not been focusing on You, but on why I didn't feel adequate anymore. Forgive me, Daddy God, and let me try again.
"All that I am I lay down before You...bringing all that I have, longing only to know You...seeking Your face and not only Your hand...I find You embracing me just as I am...*"
*(Big Daddy Weave~Audience of One)
Monday, June 14, 2004
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3 comments:
I definitely know what you're describing... That happens to me all of the time. Drives me nuts.
-JC
Me too. You have no idea how many times I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I read my bible, I pray, I know God loves me - even with all my scars of sin, and yet... something is lacking. It's almost like it has become a duty to read my bible and pray. Some chore I have to get out of the way. Afterward, it's play time. I don't want that. I want to dive into God's word, because I'm craving to hear everything that He has to say to me. I want to pray, like God is my bestfriend, and to tell Him anything. Everything. But for some odd reason, something just isn't clicking. My flame is looking rather dim. It really is an awful feeling, wot! Nontheless, I must press on. I refuse to give up now. :-D
Amen!
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